| well then |
[Oct. 13th, 2009|12:17 am] |
| [ | mood |
| | kick-ass | ] |
| [ | music |
| | john mayer - daughters | ] |
Eventually you get good enough at lying this sort of numbness comes over you. Being fake no longer becomes something you have to try to do. Its just what goes down. Recently I've been trying to assimilate myself as a more normal human being. But it's hard. Repressing the fact you're not only bisexual, but transsexual for the majority of your life takes its toll on you.
Theres no worse feeling then that of thinking of people you could have trusted with your life with not accepting you for who you are...Although I have not experienced this yet from any of my friends, I have felt and experienced this within my own family. It has already come in the form of my sister. First let me state something: sometimes you skew things in a way to make them seem worse than they are, but I can't honestly bring to words the amount of mental abuse I face from my sister on pretty much the daily. Like it's almost nauseating. I accidentally came out to her mid argument awhile back and it's been bullshit since. Example of this stupid shit I have to hear: Me: "alright, I'll be over in '20." She walks into the room: "alright, i'll be over in 20 to suck some cock." I try not to get arise from it because I know that's what she wants...And I'm not the type to be aggressive; therefore, I'd be the one to give up the argument first, giving her that sick satisfaction one must get from bringing someone down. That's what brings me to this one way street of depression I'm currently hanging out on. But I suppose it's all good. This one way street always leads to a better road, I'm fully aware of that. My life is too interwoven into my community for me to give up the good fight now.
At the same time however I am completely grateful to my network of friends. Especially the people you wouldn't have ever thought of not only being very accepting, but having positive reinforcement. I have to give a shout out to Phil though. For he is the one to never question any of it (for better or worse). I could spend an entire lifetime expressing my adoration, love, and respect for this man. All of his energy runs through me like this bassline runs through my ears. But unlike this song, which has its time and place, this bassline burns, and has burned deep from the beginning of consciousness itself, to the place of where it will forever rest. It is unconditional. It is eternal.
Theres still so much more to express, explain...For now this is all my emotional energy can take. |
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| (no subject) |
[Feb. 28th, 2009|06:01 am] |
| [ | mood |
| | Kick-Ass | ] |
| [ | music |
| | Michael Jackson - Rock With You | ] |
If you eventually look at the patterns and the cycles of events in your life a particularly new direction arye of your old methods of any-sort of psycho-analysis to which you try to understand people and peoples interactions at, and perceive more on a moment to moment synopsis of your life story, the people and placement of such events seem to drastically be more logically placed then once thought of. They no longer seem to be as dully explained as probability, but seem to have more signifigance, more feeling. We seem to always want to count out human emotion in any sort of explination of anything on the universe; but yet everything "we" explain about anything is always at a bias. Objectivity isn't immune to human emotion. |
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| (no subject) |
[Jul. 13th, 2005|01:53 pm] |
| [ | music |
| | Coheed - Welcome Home. | ] |
Holy shit, the new coheed single is amazing. |
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| (no subject) |
[Jun. 27th, 2005|11:33 pm] |
| [ | mood |
| |  mellow | ] |
| [ | music |
| | Iron and Wine - Teeth in the Grass. | ] |
Only 20 minutes until it's no longer my birthday.
I love birthdays, only because it's the only day in the year people seems to appreciate...or at least acknowledge your existance, which I find pretty cool.
Tonight was pretty hectic, I pussed out on asking Keris out, but other then that, it was tight.
A cigar would be a perfect way to end this day...But I only have two and their both broken. Fuck.
Well, if any of you internet folk ever read this, hit me up on AIM sometime, I'm actually quite curious to see how you've been living life lately.
Later. |
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| Fuck, dontcha hate that feeling? |
[Nov. 21st, 2004|12:57 am] |
| [ | mood |
| | I feel like Alex T. | ] |
| [ | music |
| | 3 - Alien Angel | ] |
That you were meant to do something amazing, yet at the same time, you dont want that to interfeir with the life you want to lead? Yeah, I'm feeling that. And it's not that bad, actually.
Anyways, the quarter ended two weeks ago. I got my report card. And I got my highest GPA ever.2.14 Fuck yeh! :cool:
To be honest with you all, Right now, I seriously think I had/have ADD or ADHD. One of the two, or maybe both? I was never diagnosed...But then again, I never let my parents take me to get checked. I wasn't down with all the mind controlling drugs, ya dig? So yeah, thats that.
English 11 College - 60% (F) ...I'm not that great at grammar, what can I say?
Writing Elective - 77% (C) ...That bitch didn't accept my college essay. "It wasn't serious enough" bullshit
World Cultures Career - 72% (C-) ...I suck at homework.
Basic Geometry - 64% (D) ...MUHAHAHAHAH. I'M REALLY FUCKING SURPRISED I PASSED THIS CLASS. A) I DID NO HOMEWORK, AND B) I SLEPT THROUGH THE ENTIRE CLASS. YES!
Independent Living - 76% (C) ...Think of this class like a Consumer Math class but add a shitty teacher and you have this class.
Enviro Science College Prep - 91% (A-) ...A fucking men, brother. First major I ever got a grade with the letter "A" in it. Word.
TV Productions - 98% (A) ...Best fucking class ever. Period.
Health II - 83% (B-) ...Yeah yeah. I dont know the penis as well as I should.
Strength / Conditioning - 100% (Draw your own conclusions) ...My bench max was 170lbs (20 lbs less then what I maxed last year), and my squat max was 260lbs (35 lbs less then last years)
Now before you go on a "that was actually a terrible report card, hippiefuck" rant, remember this; you're more of an internet troll then I.
I've also been listening to a lot of 3 lately. So fucking good. |
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| I've just tasted heaven. |
[Nov. 1st, 2004|04:06 pm] |
| [ | mood |
| | pleased | ] |
| [ | music |
| | Sometime Awesome. | ] |
Some people, in their lives say that they have tasted it, and it is something of a pure and untanted utopia.
This just happend to me.
Country Driving. Perfect weather.
It was 59 degrees. Sun shining, perfect amount of clouds in the sky. Cool, crisp auhtum air hitting me in the face while I had my window down. The fall foliage at it's peak. Visually stunning and felt perfect in every way imaginable.
Up and down. Left and right. 65 on the narrowist, most winding rodes ever while playing music. The adrenaline pumping through me while I was driving on these amazing works of craftsmanship. I see now why people die on country roads. They taste too much of heaven that they actually become a part of it. I was listening to some Metallica. I can only imagin how not alive I would be if SSTB were in it. My father and I are soon going to be going EXPRESSWAY driving. Should be intresting. |
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| I'm looking forward to this month! |
[Oct. 31st, 2004|11:22 pm] |
| [ | mood |
| |  thoughtful | ] |
| [ | music |
| | Family Buisness. | ] |
First of all, this is going to be the best week EVER.
A) It's the beginning of the month. One more month to keep it positive.
B) The second season of the OC starts Thursday...After 6 long months!
C) Enviromental Science Project! YES! God I love this class more then anything.
Second of all, on Tuesday i'm going to start winter running with my one ex. Should be good times...Or something like that.
Third of all, the next two months are going to be some fun tests. seeing as how egg nog season starts in about a half hour. (about 300 calories for every pint), that, plus Thanksgiving, and with Christmas comes cookies, more nog, and chocolate shit, which adds up to weight. I'll be surprised if I'm at 184 by January 1st.
And I gained two pounds in the last week. :(
Oh well, I'll burn that shit off in no time!
And i am going to do my exercises now!
goodbye! |
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| I haven't made a worthwile update in awhile. |
[Oct. 21st, 2004|11:31 pm] |
| [ | mood |
| | nostalgic | ] |
| [ | music |
| | Hey Jude. | ] |
And what can I say, there's no real reason for me to.
My lifes just too good right now to write about it on an e-journal.
I've lost 18lbs in the last 4 and a half months. I'm getting in shape. I can actually see nice curves in my stomach. My self confidence / esteem is up, highest it's been since I can remember.
I've restablished lost friendships.
I've gained new friends.
I have two years of highschool left. Might as well make the most of them.
My grade are actually pretty high. I'm aiming for a 3.0 GPA this quarter.
My writing is slowly becoming better.
I wake up each morning looking forward to accomplishing something.
I finally accepted what life is, and what time will eventually do to me.
And finally, this song reminds gives me the most amazing feelings of love, loss, and happiness. All in one. Fuckin' A. |
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| Holy shit. |
[Oct. 17th, 2004|10:38 am] |
| [ | mood |
| | Confused | ] |
Best fucking homecoming dance ever.
It made ABSOLUTELY NO FUCKING SENSE.
So many great, illogical things were said.
And holy christ, I cannot fucking wait until porm.
yeeeeeeeeeeeees! |
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| So, I cross dressed to school today. |
[Oct. 14th, 2004|10:04 pm] |
| [ | mood |
| | chipper | ] |
| [ | music |
| | Some Goldfinger stuff. | ] |
Most amazing reactions fucking ever
I got to school late, right. And I get in the front doors, all the Global Studies students are there to go on a field trip, there are also some seniors there that are in chorus. And the part was, when I walked in, it was loud, and shit. I walk in, it gets fucking silent. Everyone turns around as a collective whole. About 110 people just stairing at me. Amazing. The look of shock/disbelief/amazement filled their eyes. like, seriously.
We missed at least 10 minutes in all my classes today because everyone was just that amazed. Someone in each class told me to stand up, and I did..and then added a twirl onto it.
Normandy gave me some of the dirtiest/surprised looks ever when I said in Writing Elec. that I have makeup in my purse and that I shaved my legs. hah.
After third period I was walking down the one middle hallway and the best chain of responses happend:
"What the fuck is this dude"
as I pass that kid...
"What the...fuck?"
and as I pass him..
"Dude, what the fuck?"
Ashtonishing.
I had to take gym. A little weird.
"hey, this is the guys locker room.
...
oh...it's you dan"
okay, that didn't happen, but it would have ruled if it did.
I had to wear my boots to gym. Soooo uncomfortable.
Science was the highlight thought. 20 minutes of discussing me and what i'm wearing? I should do that more often. "I refuse to sit next to home." :gets closer to steve: "if you value your lfie, you'll get away' hahahhahah steve's the fucking man.
Lunch was amazing too.
EVERYTHING I HEARD SPOKEN WAS ABOUT ME. YEEEEEEEEEEEES!
5 people took pictures of me in lunch as well. I only knew one of the people.
Another thing that made me think, was that no one knew I shaved my legs until today. -_-;; They were all like "you shaved your legs just for this" "..no. I've been doing it for the last 8 months, and on and off for 3 years. where the hell were you" I said that to some girl in my science class.
Christ i'm such an attention whore. Today so proved it. |
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| (no subject) |
[Oct. 11th, 2004|09:37 pm] |
| [ | mood |
| | Awesome. | ] |
| [ | music |
| | Rappers Delight | ] |
This week is gonna be one for the record books.
Today I had no school
Tuesday I see the dermo and get more pills.
Wednesday: Last bass|mint show... What a sad a day it will be.
Thursday: I get to crossdress to school.
Friday: Homecoming Game
Saturday: Homecoming Dance
Sunday: Coheed in Philly.
Monday: Car Shopping.
Tuesday: SAN ANGAYASS comes out
uh huh, crunk. |
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| I'm in such a great fucking mood. |
[Oct. 7th, 2004|10:27 pm] |
| [ | mood |
| | happy | ] |
| [ | music |
| | Blink - I miss you | ] |
Dont know why.
Just am.
I'm looking forward to tomorrrow like i'm gonna be getting head or something.
Goddamn.
I've started talking to my one ex again. It brings back the best and worst of times. It's just my luck i'm the kind of guy that doesn't holds stuff against people. |
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| Professionally.Fucking.Owned |
[Oct. 2nd, 2004|10:58 am] |
| [ | mood |
| |  confused | ] |
| [ | music |
| | This Present Darkness- As late november leaves fall. | ] |
335 dollar phone bill this month.
I'M BROKE!
ALL FUCKING RIGHT!
"Phone is so much better then AIM" yeah, it is, when you dont have to pay the goddamn phone bill, you cuntsmack.
I should have bought my 200 dollar Red Octaine DDR Mat when I had the chance. At least if I ever got tired of it I would always have it for when I wanted to play again. |
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| (no subject) |
[Sep. 9th, 2004|04:34 pm] |
| [ | mood |
| | happy | ] |
| [ | music |
| | Streetlight Manifesto - Point/Counterpoint. | ] |
So fucking good. It felt like reliving something. Thats how awesome it was.
I went to school in my cut of girls jeans (about an inch above my knee's) my jean vest (which did NOT match the shorts) my pink and white "Punk Rock" shirt and my maiden patch on the back. It ruled. Phil wore his suit, he should have made it the spinebelt suit, but nooooooo!
So I wake up at 6am (got 3 hours of sleep -_-;; )
My parents are up, and as soon as I wake up they decided to go back to bed afuckingain.
I shower, eat my breakfast of golden grams, a banna, and orange juice. And while I was at my computer eating it, a huge fucking mosquito landed on my glass of milk and got stuck. It was nasty.
So It's about 7 now (I start school at 7:38) and I'm shaving, all that fun stuff. I get ready to put on my outfit, and my mom wakes up. goddamnit. So I put an ounce of common sense out, and decide to put on larger clothing on to make my way outside.
I'm out, phew. So I'm walking down my block, I get about 5 feet from the curb, and I take my pair of shorts, and shirt off, and put my vest on.
I get to the next block....I hear a horn beep. I seriously thought it was my dad. I slowly look back, and it's fucking phil, in his tux and everything. I didn't exactly remember that he was suppost to wear it. heh. We walk to the end of that block, and phil goes "holy shit. so many cars, lets find another way" so we go to the next block, THERE ARE MORE FUCKING CARS THERE. So we decide to just walk up that. Owen was walking to school, and he saw me and phil. He looks at me, and then says to the both of us "See, I can respect this" and then he calls me gay. heh. We get closer and closer to the school. For some reason the school seems really fucking diffrent. I guess it's because they did a lot of stuff over the summer with the renovations. Oh well.
We're about to go in and phil says something like "well, into the madness" It was seriously crazy. And amazing. And funny. All in one. I notice a lot of people I know go "omg. ::giggle::" I get to my homeroom, meet up with Bobby. (he's the guitarist for Five Minute Freakshow if you happen to see them the 19 times they play a week. :roll: ) And appearently, they redid all that homeroom shit. So now we have a new homeroom...and I have it with Jorden Kipp....he's in like ALL OF MY GODDAMN CLASSES. Well, Like 2.... And now we have homerom every friday, not just the first friday of the month. Thats stupid. And with the new homeeroom, comes new lockers on the opposite side of where they used to me. I'm not complaining, it's a nice twist to what I was expecting.
1st period was Health II. It was alright. Had the same teacher for Health I two years ago. Jorden was in this class with his possie. Dan Law and Katie are in it to. I sit next to Dan, so rock.
2nd Period: Writing Elective. I really expected this class to be like me an 4 other people. It's me, 29 other people, and two other classes of it. Wow. It's a good mix of people. Matt Majuski's in it. I sit behind him. heh. He questioned my outfit, and then felt my leg. :blushes: And that hot Normandy girl is in the class. ::shits self::
3rd Period: English. I really dont know why I took college, I guess because I dont want to be in classes with moron's. But from the people in this class, I dont plan on learning too much. Nate, Jamie, Stephen, Brandon, Mike. Good God I can't wait till we have a substitute. Anarchy I tell you. ANARCHY!
4th Period: Strength. Nothing really special here. The new gym lockerrooms seem a whole lot smaller. No more Youcoum as a teacher, he actually made you do work. Shawn is my partner for the lockers. When we were getting locks I looked in the mirrior, and holy fuck did I look good--feminin. I seriously looked like a girl. Scary.
5th Period: Independent Living..... ::cringe:: the class I didn't even want to fucking take. "oh no, you can't networking. blah blah blah" assholes. Anyways, the only fun thing I see ever happening in that class happend today. Brad went into the classroom, thinking it was an english room. holy wow that was sweet.
Lunch: ...Lunch, on the first day of school is always a confusing, and sacred thing. Hell, today was taco day, can't get much more sacred then that. I'm one of the first people there, I try to find the taco line, but no luck. appearently they switched the lines...again. Oh well. I got my two soft taco's and rice, and attempt to look for people I know. Korey was in line with me. I see Rand and he says "Dann, find us a table" That was awesome. Usually on the first day of lunch you just sit with people you know, and then try to find your 'real' friends that you would want to sit with at Lunch. But me, find a table? it was weird trying to decide where I would want to sit the next 179 days. I eventually sat down at the one table, and I was kinda confused, I was still looking around, and this one girl, who I didn't see, but I heard her mutter "He's so gay' goddamnit, people are stupid. Then I notice I forgot a fork, I walk around aimlessely trying to find one and a better table, I eventually find a good table Anyways, Lunch this year fucking rules. RULES. I'm on the verge of saying "...Best lunch table ever" I know it's only been one day, but oh fucking well. Then his tubby kid sits next to me, starts to feel my back, and asks if I want his phone number. I look at him and say "::sigh:: Stop trying to impress your table by coming over here and making an ass of yourself [thats not the least bit ironic]. I know they put you up to this, since I can hear them laughing" ::deep stare into his eyes:: he leaves. People need to stop doing that stuff. It's old and tired. I did that to one kid when I was in the 8th grade and when we ate at the 7th grade lunch. It was cool in 2002. Lunch is over. Awesome.
6th Period, my dream class: Enviromental Science College. It's...Seriously the best class of my day. It makes highlights in itself. Steve Leid, Kalee, Dana, Tyler Faust, Chip, Jimi Auge, Aja. Plus all these senior chicks. I need to start workin' my mackin' skillz again. ;) This is the first time in my life I have ever looked forward to Science. wow.
7th Period: Basic Geomenty. So bad. Horrible. But I'll make it through it.
8th period: Word Cultures. Scott is in my class. I have the same teacher as last year. jsdhasiudsa So NOT FUN. I can see this as being one of the worse classes I have.
All in all an amazing day.
This year will rule because it'll be a test for me. Because there's next to no friends in any of my classes. (well theres some) but this year I will have to take to people. Thats why last year sucked so much. I knew people in every class. There was no real challange to make it through the school year not dying of bordom.
I am looking forward to tomorrow.
Also: I'm also taking TV Productions. I'll update about that tomorrow. And I start driving with Mr. Hains and Ashton on Tuesday... 8) |
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| OMG LAYERED HAIR |
[Sep. 2nd, 2004|12:03 am] |
OJSDHFIFY^#*$R&#YQ&
Yes, It is true. I got my hair layered. I got 2" cut off and layered and all that fun stuff. I think I gained 1000 aarogant points now, because when I first saw it in the mirror I said to myself "holy fuck i'm so adorable now" heh. -_-;;
The lady who cut it was really nice. She kept asking me if I wanted more layers. Of couse, I had no goddamn idea what she talking about, so I just kept blindly agreeing.
I can't put my hair in a low ponytail anymore though, thats the only downside. :/
(pic's coming soon. :wink: )
And I need some new music. It's become so bad i've started to listen to thie EVR sampler religiously. |
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| OMGZ |
[May. 9th, 2004|04:21 pm] |
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Saint Anger. |
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